Even though I still had the quote” ‘A woman’s heart should be so hidden in GOD that a man has to seek HIM just to find her.” ringing in the back of my brain as a constant reminder, my flesh was so weak. And my mind was trying real hard to say “No”. But my body just wouldn’t listen sometimes. So there I was. Stuck in this roller coaster of “this is the last time. It won’t happen again”. And then it would happen. And then I’d ask God for forgiveness and do it again. Then ask for forgiveness. Then do it again. I felt like God was tired of hearing my apologies for doing it again and again. That’s not how repentance works? Repentance means you truly are sorry and have a change of heart. So no matter how hard it is, you just try with all you’ve got not to go back!
ONE OF THOSE DAYS..
I did it again. Oh lord I did it again. What’s wrong with me??! Why can’t I just keep my legs closed like I promised I would! Then played the whisper in the back of my ear. “You love him..”Yea… I love him. I do. And sex is a part of love. Right? I mean how else am I supposed to show my emotions, how I feel, how bad I want him..I’m not guilty anymore? I love him. And that justifies it. My boo. My man. (Drifting off. Playing back little scenes from our just ended “sexcapade”) I’m smiling sheepishly now. Yes. Absolutely. I do love him..
A WEEK LATER. (Sunday service)
This guilt is a mixture of annoying and unbearable. How can something be so wrong yet so right?! Why am I in the middle of this service playing back snippets of last night. God, this is so embarrassing. I feel like I’ve got “Whore” written on my forehead and everyone can see I did IT last night. I’m praying harder. Worshipping and singing with hands lifted up. Gotta get in the spirit. Come on… Come on..Nope. Not working. I feel so detached. (Sigh) maybe I should call him..
Who was I fooling really. Myself? Or God. Living in this roller coaster of satisfying myself with a few minutes or hours of pleasure. Followed by emptiness and the growing urge to satisfy again and again? Then followed by the guilt that creeps up in the back of my mind because I knew in my heart of hearts and had heard over and over that sex before marriage was wrong. Not just wrong but a sin before God! Shame on you Jeremie! How dirty you are on the inside! Allowing your body to be used and touched on. How do you think God feels watching you defile yourself and the body that he wonderfully and fearfully made. I always remembered that quote from the Bible that got me super guilty. I knew that verse so well. And it would always crawl into my heart even if it was just a kiss or a touch and not sex itself.
(1st Corinthians 6:19-20) “Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.”
I knew it was wrong. I had always known it was wrong! So why did I keep opening that sex door when I knew I’d start to feel guilty right after. Why did I have an appetite for “wrong meat”?! And we all know eating wrong meat means 3 things. You either have a bad stomach ache, or you end up vomiting the meat at some point because your system rejects it, or you just “poop” it out! Well let’s just say I was experiencing a mixture of all 3 at the same time. It started with the guilt. I began to feel uncomfortable anytime my body got involved in anything close to intimacy. I guess we could call that the stomach ache. In a way I knew it was because of my new relationship with God. I didn’t want to hurt God but I didn’t want to hurt my man either. I loved them both…
Prayer Note:
Dear God, I know I should love you wholeheartedly. But I love……… too. Help me separate myself from whatever or whoever has my heart instead of you. So I can love you the way I ought to. Take away any distractions. Anyone or anything that’s taking YOUR place in my life. So I can focus on you like I should. In JESUS name, Amen.
Jeremie’s LIFE LESSON:
“You can’t serve 2 masters. In my case it was my relationship taking Gods place. In yours it could be other things that take up all of your time and attention. A man, a woman, alcohol, smoking, drugs, weed, sex, masturbation, pornography, fraud, lies, cheating, etc…Choose ye this day whom Ye shall serve..” (Joshua 24:15)
WRITTEN BY: JEREMIE VAN-GARSHONG
