This contains proven steps and strategies on how to pinpoint the weak spots in your marriage, and work on them, creating a happy and healthy marriage. Married couples, especially those married for more than a couple of years, tend to fall into a marriage pit falls, and they struggle to get out of it. In the process, they get entangled in everyday life: work, kids, shopping, PTA meetings, chores, etc. and it appears that there is no time left for sparking up the old flame. Well, we’re here to prove you wrong and show you bullet-proof ways you can jump-start your marriage and feel like you’re newly weds again! Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoy it!
A Successful marriage?
A successful marriage is not the one where people don’t argue, but the one where there is more listening, than yelling, more loving than hating, more understanding than accusing and more giving than taking. Many believed that once married, all will be rosy, going to be sunshine and rainbows. We will never fight, we will never go to bed angry at each other, and we will always have time for each other no matter what.
Then, reality hits, and we realize that it’s not really going to be as easy as we’d originally thought. Our happily ever after isn’t unattainable, but it does requires loads of attention, affection, consideration, compromise and above all, hard work. We’ve all heard the statistics: more than fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. Ouch. That is a lot, however you want to look at it. More than fifty percent of people decide to throw in the towel and go their own separate ways. But, what about the rest of them? The chosen few? The ones whom fate has blessed?
The ones who enjoy the protection of Cupid himself? The ones who always appear happy and satisfied when seen in public with their partner and children? How do they do it? Well, they manage by sticking with it, through thick and thin, and always knowing that their marriage is their refuge, their safe place, and it is up to them to keep it that way.
Sure, they disagree and argue from time to time, but they never forget the bottom line, and that is that the true recipe to a good marriage is unconditional, long lasting love and understanding. Basically, there is no such thing as a perfect marriage, simply because there is no situation where two people can live together and agree on absolutely everything. And if they did, wouldn’t that be really boring and predictable?
Problems in marriage
Problems and situations are an inevitable part of everyday life. They are ups and downs of life, everywhere around us at work, at home, in our business, in the streets, careers name them. Odds are that a day can’t pass without you having at least one, small though it may be, problem. What distinguishes us as people is not how many problems we face in life because, many of them are totally out of our control, and we can’t prevent them from happening, but actually how we deal with them.
You have an argument with a colleague from work about a project you have been assigned to. You believe your way of doing it is better, and she believes hers is. Isn’t that how it always goes? You discuss, you argue even, and finally reach what is hopefully and meaningful.
And this will continue to happen on every other projects, with different persons. Does this mean that just because the whole process doesn’t go smoothly and there are rough patches, you’ll give it up and find a new job? Of course not! Well, the same goes for your marriage.
You aren’t expected to throw in the towel when the going gets tough. But most people do. But those who get the privilege to celebrate their golden wedding anniversary aren’t the people who never fought with their partners, but actually people who knew when to talk and when to shut up, always showing appreciation for the other person. The point is, you shouldn’t shy away from problems. Avoiding them doesn’t really solve anything, and you are probably prolonging the situation, making it even worse eventually. Problems simply indicate that there is an obstacle on the path to your shared goal, and now, the challenge is to try and find the solution together.
Stay in love
No one needed to tell you this all those years ago, when you and your partner were just dating. Just remember all the time you spent together, all the special plans you made, all the effort you put into every thought, every word and every action. So continue to stay in love.
It came easy, because it was all new and exciting, and being in love required effort. Later on, you got married and things somehow, fizzled out. Of course you didn’t mean for this to happen, but one way or another you couldn’t find enough time to spend together, with all the work, kids, and other obligations. Then, slowly but surely, you drifted apart. You realize that you aren’t as affectionate anymore, and the attention you give to each other isn’t as special as before.
Instead of commenting on your partner’s beautiful eyes, shapely body or clever remarks, you remind them about adding eggs to the shopping list or taking out the trash on their way out. It’s not that you don’t love each other anymore, but you somehow, in the course of your everyday life, forgot how to be in love with each other.
Please always cultivate the habit of reminding yourselves how much you love each other. All you have to do is make a conscious effort to appreciate and value who your partner is and what he or she does on a daily basis. All those little things that make them the person you fell in love with, these attributes are still there, you just stopped seeing them. Sometimes, only a word, a smile, a gentle stroke on the cheek is enough to speak tons about how much the other person means to you. Show happiness and joy when you see your partner after a long day’s work, and don’t be stingy with your kisses and hugs. Grown-ups enjoy hugging as much as kids do, so make sure you give your loved one at least one big, bear hug every day.
This is an amazing tool of building trust, increasing your serotonin levels, which in turn increase your happiness, it boosts your self-esteem, relaxes your mind as well as your body, and basically, it works like meditation, teaching you about giving and receiving. So, make sure to keep those arms open 24/7 to your spouse. Also, try to be creative send messages, leave notes, leave voice mail and make sure to spend enough quality time together, just the two of you, doing whatever you feel like, whether it’s taking that long awaited vacation or just relaxing on the sofa, with small chops and a good movie.
The point is, show and give love in order to receive love, and remember: the more you give, the more you get. So try it, you’ll be surprised with how things quickly change.
Share it all
You were the one who made the choice of your partner, and now it is time to share it all, from the heart. You will have good days, you will pass an important exam, you’ll get promoted, you will win some contracts, you’ll make a great deal on a car, apartment, vacation, etc. Those are all great news and of course, the first thing you want to do is share them with your partner! As you should.
Life is a full of ups and downs, the good, the bad, the ugly. But, think about this. During those days, when you get laid off work, when you get demoted, when the tow truck takes your car and you rushed to the post office for only a second, when your car breaks down and you have to pay a small fortune to get it fixed, when the workload is just too much, how often do you think about sharing this with your partner? While it is true that we shouldn’t burden each other with every little insignificant thing that happens to us, and we should also leave work outside our home, but it is still important to share everything that affects us, in both positive and negative way.
Tell your partner when you are not happy, and tell your spouse why. They’ll be happy for you and your joy will double, because of this. The burden will be light, and they will offer a shoulder to cry on or even a different perspective of your problem, and a possible solution.
They will sympathize with you, and for this, your sorrow and anxiety will be decreased by half, simply because you shared the burden.
Also, make sure that your household doesn’t uphold those old, outdated stereotypes men work, women clean. If everyone works, everyone can clean, too. Share the housework, and make your home shine together, because research has shown that couples who share together, stay together.
Sharpen those communication skills
If you or your partner are lousy at communicating your feelings, you or your partner shouldn’t have to put with it. Good communication, openly talking about whatever topic is on the table is a true sign of a successful marriage.
Learn how to express your sadness without dragging the other person down, how to express you anger without yelling and fighting, and how to express your general thoughts without trying to convince everyone else that your way is the only right way.
Practice communication as much as you can, and the best part is that the more you practice, the better you get, and the better your marriage will become. More importantly the longer your marriage will last.
Once you learn how to talk, then you must learn how to listen.
We all have this need to be understood and listened to, especially when it comes to our family and friends. So, make sure that your partner knows you are open to anything and that their words won’t be thrown against the wind. Sometimes, all your partner needs is for them to know that you are there, no matter what.
This means that they don’t really need advice or you telling them what they should do, but basically just for you to listen attentively and affectionately. What you can also do is simply repeat what they said, for them to feel heard. It can be as simple as “I understand that you are upset about me forgetting to take the trash out” or “I realize that you are upset about me forgetting your birthday.” Once they see that you are actively listening, you can find the solution together and this makes a better couple and a better home
Shared values and goals
If you want to be successful, you have to want the same things, have the same values, and it is crucial to know these things well before you cross over from dating into marriage. Let’s face it, we can’t really change our personalities, even if we wanted to.
But, actually, why would we? Marriage is not about fully adjusting yourself to the other person. It is about being accepted, good sides and bad sides, by a person who thinks the same way. Think of yourself and your partner in terms of a team. Strikingly different personalities can denote some shaky ground in a marriage, but it doesn’t mean that such a relationship would never work. Not really.
It just means that those two people need to work a little harder, that’s all. The bottom line is to make these two different, even opposing personalities function together. For example, she can be a talker, and he a listener, which is really good, because these differences can transform into advantages.
Common values mean everything. Here, the differences in wishes and desires may prove to be fatal for a married couple. For example, if he is focusing on material wealth, and she on a simple life, it would be really difficult maybe even impossible to appease both sides and make them equally happy. These values can revolve around anything really: having kids, religious beliefs, career aspirations etc. It, so as long as you and your partner can compromise, you’re on the right track to a successful marriage. Always remember that you shouldn’t go against your own beliefs to please your partner, but eventually, the world is not black and white. There are many grey areas and it is all a matter of finding your place within the spectrum. It is normal that you and your partner like and even want different things, because after all, we are all individuals and as such, different, but those most important ones, should be the same, or at least similar.
Children
Many people would swear that having kids comes at the expense of their marriage. Fortunately, they couldn’t be more wrong. Its just that when children start to arrive, we tend to become even more forgetful about that special someone in our life, (our spouse) and we focus all our energy and time on the kids, work, house, chores, etc. There are numerous ways you can show your partner how important they are, and how your little addition to your family did not change how you feel about each other. But, there is one thing you do have to change, and that is how you connect with your partner from now on. Of course you will be occupied with your bundle of joy, but remember to bring the fun back and make it stay.
There are 168 hours in a week, and there is no excuse that would make it alright for you not to spend at least two of them with your partner. You can do this in many ways: accept offers from family and close friends to babysit, and use this time to go out on a date or even stay in and make a romantic dinner for two.
Share a physical activity, like a walk in the mountains, a bike ride, or walking through that park you haven’t been to in ages. Also remember to keep the spark or romance alive in your bedroom. While you may not be in the mood for so much hanky-panky like before, your intimate life mustn’t suffer now that you are parents. It’s very easy, actually. Just look at it like this: it’s a constant process of making someone fall in love with you over and over again. You aren’t expected to be in your full gear all the time, but there are little things you can do to keep your partner physically interested in you, like staying fit, being well groomed, and so on.
This way, your spark is bound to come back. If it doesn’t however, make sure you respect your partner’s feelings. They might be exhausted and not in the mood, so give them time to recover. If this period lasts too long, you can seek some professional assistance. Finally, it is also essential to spend quality time together as a family, with the kids. This is another way you and your partner can solidify your bond, and become closer than ever.
Finance (Money matters)
Money makes the world go round. it does affect the way you live your life greatly. While we don’t really want to accept this, it’s true to a certain point. Yes, it can’t buy happiness or health, but it can buy medical insurance and your child’s school supplies.
So, In a way it shouldn’t come as a surprise that many married couples fight exactly because of this issue called finances. As a result, it is of the utmost importance that you take good care of your savings, discuss the procedure of paying the bills with your partner, credit cards, and any other financial issues.
What you want to achieve is your own way of taking care of these. A good suggestion would be to have a joint account, where both partners have to account for their financial actions, but also to have your own private account, where you can treat yourself to those little things that make life so beautiful, without having to justify those purchases to your partner. It’s also a good idea to set up college funds for the children, and keep a rainy day fund in the house, just in case. You never know when it might come in handy. In addition, keep your house clutter free, and you can do this by getting rid of your children’s old toys and clothes. Either give them to needy people or sell them and add to your family budget.
We frequently tend to forget how good we really have it. Instead of being happy that we have a beautiful home to go to, we are upset because the bills are high. Instead of considering ourselves lucky to have a car, we are upset about the traffic jam. Instead of being happy that someone so great, caring and loving feels the same way about us, we are upset when they come home late. All of these thoughts have an extremely negative impact on your marriage. Get rid of them and you’ll be amazed at the results.
From research, happy people are grateful people. They know the value of what they have and they are grateful for it, every single day of their life. We all have ups and downs, and in every relationship, including our marriage, there are positives and negatives. What you want to do is look for the positives. Be grateful for the privilege to live this magnificent life you are living, with this great person next to you, with wonderful kids, in a lovely house, with a beautiful yard. You have a reason to smile every day for the rest of your life, so use it, and this will benefit your marriage immensely. Seeing you smile will make your partner smile, knowing that they are the reason for this happiness. This way, you are bound to create a joyful marriage.
In conclusion
You get what you give, and remember you cannot give what you don’t have, so make sure that what you are giving is valuable, because it will eventually come back to you. Don’t view your marriage in terms of a win or lose situation. You and your partner aren’t playing against each other in this game. It is not a game of competition you are on the same team, and there is no individual winning or losing. Forget the “I’m right” perspective. Whether you’re right or not doesn’t really matter in a mature, healthy relationship. The only thing that really matters, that actually makes a marriage steady and happy, is whether what you two are doing is helping you or not. Fix the problem, not your partner. It frequently happens that we can’t pinpoint the guilty party, and it then becomes all too easy to blame our partner. Then, under this pretext, we try to fix them, hoping that by doing so, we will fix the problem as well. Wrong. Don’t try to fix your partner. Focus on your problem and bring your partner in on it. Then, solve it together. Talk, talk and talk. Communication is everything, so never lock your partner out of your mind. In the end, always remember that there is no right or wrong way of keeping a marriage functional. You have to discover your own way and then go about it. As it was already mentioned, we are all individuals, and as such different, so we click differently. As long as you and your partner are clicking the same way, you’ll be alright.