Last month, my husband retired from the Navy. It was an emotional time, one of pride and happiness. Our marriage has been filled with far more ups than downs, but military life brings its own set of challenges– including how to deal with well-meaning, but often clueless, friends. Here is an assortment of the things I’ve heard from civilian friends over the years–and most definitely things you should never say to a military spouse:

1. “AREN’T YOU AFRAID HE’LL GET KILLED?”

This question never failed to leave me slack-jawed. Did I worry about his safety? Yes. But when I married him I signed up for whatever concerns came along with his job. I tried not to focus on the worst case scenarios (which often meant avoiding the news when he was deployed). Nothing is certain in life for any of us, so why worry about things I can’t control?

2. “WHAT DO YOU DO WHILE HE’S GONE?”

This was asked in such an incredulous tone that it almost sounded as if I couldn’t function without my husband around. I did the same things other married women do—I worked, I took care of my kids, I spent time with friends. I had hobbies and interests and when he was deployed I did crazy things like go back to college for my Masters degree or write a book.

3.”DON’T YOU GET LONELY?”

I suppose this isn’t a crazy question, but it’s one that doesn’t have a good answer. Was it difficult being on my own for six months at a stretch? Definitely. But my husband and I have always made a point of staying in close communication with each other, whether it’s sending letters, cards and packages through the mail or using email, text messaging or Skype to talk whenever possible. Yes, I missed his physical presence, but because we both worked hard to stay connected, I never felt lonely.

4. “IT MUST BE GREAT TO HAVE THE NAVY PAY FOR YOUR HOUSE.”

Correction: As part of their pay and benefits, members of the military receives a housing allowance, which may or may not cover the entire cost of rent or mortgage in a given geographical area. The Navy didn’t pay for our house—or the electric, water or gas bills. The military pay scale is a convoluted system of charts based on rank/rate and time in service. Civilians often think military members receive far more perks than they really do.

5. “MY HUSBAND IS GOING OUT OF TOWN FOR A BUSINESS TRIP, SO I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU’RE GOING THROUGH.”

No kidding, someone said this to me when I had a five-month-old baby that my husband hadn’t seen since he was born. No, your husband’s business trip is not at all like a military deployment. Being deployed can mean a total lack of communication for days or weeks at a time, an unpredictable homecoming schedule (in that instance, my husband was over a week delayed coming home from an eight month deployment) and business trips rarely last as long as a deployment.

6. “I BET YOU CAN’T WAIT UNTIL HE GETS OUT!”

This seems logical, given all of the challenges of military life, but it isn’t always the case. Leaving the military has its own set of unknowns, including where to live and what career to pursue post-military. I was content for my husband to decide when he was ready to leave the Navy and now we’re dealing with all of the choices and decisions that go along with returning to civilian life (something my husband hasn’t experienced since he was 18!).

7. “HE’S GOING TO MISS CHRISTMAS? THAT’S TERRIBLE!”

Yes, my husband missed many holidays over the years because of deployments, training exercises out of state and standing duty. And no, it’s not terrible. Well, we chose not to let it be terrible. Holidays are just dates on a calendar and you can change the date you celebrate something, if you choose. Our second Christmas was celebrated on January 17, the day after he came home from a six-month deployment. Our baby’s first Christmas was celebrated on December 21, as he had to return to his duty station in Dubai on December 23. We have the pictures and the memories of the holidays even if we didn’t celebrate it according to the calendar.

8. “I COULD NEVER DO WHAT YOU DO!”

I know this is intended as a compliment, but it comes off sounding dismissive. Am I stronger than the average spouse? Maybe, maybe not. If you’ve never had to be separated from your husband for six months it may seem impossible. But I did what I had to do to maintain the marriage I wanted with the man I love and adore. And now, twenty-five years later, we’re still married and the military life is behind us. Am I glad I did what I did? Hell yeah.

womansday