In the last few years, polyamory has become more and more popular—and visible, from Showtime reality show Polyamory: Married and Dating to actress Mo’Nique proudly sharing with the world that her open marriage was her idea. For the launch of our new weekly series, Love, Actually, exploring the reality of women’s sex lives, we wanted to explore what it’s really like to be in multiple relationships.

Lisa (a pseudonym), 34, has been with her husband for half of her life, and says being polyamorous has strengthened her marriage. Their relationship has been almost entirely open, albeit with differing rules and structures as they’ve figured out the type of setup that works for them. Currently she has four additional partners; two of those relationships are ones she shares with her husband.

As told to Rachel Kramer Bussel:

We met as teenagers and were friends first. We moved in together at 18. One day we were filling out a sexuality survey in a magazine and one of the questions was “How do you feel about monogamy?” Both of us picked “It’s an unrealistic expectation.” We didn’t talk about it just then, but let it simmer for a year until we had an opportunity to have a threesome with a coworker of his, which she and I instigated.

Before that threesome, I let him know I was okay with them having sexual contact, just not penetrative penis-in-vagina sex. He was absolutely fine with this plan, but in the heat of the moment it was me who changed my mind. I was so turned on by watching them together. They were gorgeous and I was loving every minute of it; I didn’t feel left out like I thought I would. I totally changed the rule right then and there. That seems to sum up my learning curve with non-monogamy. Now our only rules are honesty, safe sex, and no taking time from mutual commitments.

One of the things I had a meltdown about when we were considering if we were going to get married was, will we be monogamous like people expect us to be? One of the things I couldn’t get my head around was never having another first kiss. I don’t know why that never occurred to me until we were engaged, but suddenly, I was panicked. First kisses are the best. The idea of being monogamous meant that kind of thing was over, and that felt so sad for me. When I shared it with my husband, he felt the same way.

marieclaire