Reader Dazed And Confused writes,
My problem is this: I am 54 and my husband is 55. We have been married for 27 years. We have four grown children. Twice he has had an affair with someone much younger, once fifteen years ago and now last December I found out he’d been seeing a 25 year old on and off for about a year. He wont tell me anything about what happened, so its hard to be sure how long it was going on. I found out through other people and his weird behaviour. I was very surprised because we get along well, and I thought him incapable of doing something so cruel to me. We live in a very small town (1000) and everyone knew before me, and this person lives close to our home and my work, so I occasionally run into her without wanting to. It has been very humiliating; I feel really vulnerable.
I was very hurt and furious for a few months and wanted him to leave. He wouldn’t go, said he was very sorry, it was a mistake, not my fault and that he loved me and wanted us to be together. He has stayed. But instead of a great, new revived marriage, it just keeps on sucking. I do not trust him. Every time he goes out to work or to town or is gone for any length of time, I feel he is hooking up with her. He’s says he wont do it again, but it still seems like he hasn’t resolved his midlife crisis. He’s very concerned about his appearance and has many more face creams than I do. He’s fastidious about bathing and getting cleaned up, but I don’t feel he does it to look good for me. Often I come home from work and he’s showered and changed and gone out somewhere. He refuses to let me see his phone or know his access code, saying I just have to trust him, which drives me crazy because that was one of the ways he carried on with this other person.
We don’t have sex anymore. Since I found out about the affair, we’ve had sex a handful of times. I miss it a lot and feel like I’m not ready to give it up. Sex was an area of our marriage that was good. Except for, it had started taking a dive when he had the affair. But he seems to have ED: I feel rejected, like he is not attracted to me anymore because I’m too old to be sexy. He denies this but still can’t/ doesn’t want to have sex. We went on vacation to the beach for a week to relax and reconnect and it was utterly disappointing. No sex. Although he is affectionate and nice enough. I thought if he stayed and we worked things out, he should be happy about that, but he often gets depressed, like he’s not living the life he wants. He always says it’s money problems or his back hurts (yet he still will ride his horses) or he’s tired or whatever.
I wanted to get some counseling, he grudgingly went first to one guy we both didn’t like, next to another who was much better, but he wouldn’t go back. I feel stuck, but feel like we have so much time invested together that it would be gut wrenching to separate. I love him. I think he loves me, but just not the way I want. I don’t want us to settle because we’re afraid of the unknown future on our own. On my own! I feel convinced he’s one of those guys who wants to toss out the old and get someone young, new and hot. And I just can’t compete with that. Is there hope for us? What’s wrong with us, why do I feel so stuck?
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